And here we are once again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; at our trusty Big Red HQ. Although I must say that it's kinda boring around here at the moment. There's absolutely nobody around to boss around or just simply annoy every now and again. After I returned from my mission to get our cyclo-temperature-defining device's main control switch back from our friend Bob Ross, who had been using it as a paint brush and, in doing so, turned our nice cozy HQ into a scene from Ice age, everything was fine and dandy. However, when I woke up the very next day, all our staff is missing, as is my friend and colleague, Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. So, why not just take the timemachine out for a spin and a spot of sun-filled vacation? Well, that might actually be a bit of a problem...
DUNE 2: BATTLE FOR ARRAKIS
For all that is holy in this world, could someone please fix the damn air conditioning? What do you mean there is nothing you can do?!? Get your tools, go into the Tech Room and make sure cold air starts flowing trough the ducts again. it isn't that hard, is it now? How is it even possible that a newly installed top of the line hyper fancy air conditioning system, that was specifically installed no more than 2 months ago, broke down? What do you even mean it didn't break down? it is clearly not functioning because everything in this facility is melting, INCLUDING ME!!!!
Is it Friday already? How can that be, I distinctly remember it being Monday not a day ago... Damn, ladies and gentlemen; this traveling through time has got my brain all tangled up. Not that this is actually a deviation from the norm, but still... missing an entire week is never fun. Oh well, now I'll have to call some people and see what I have been up to these past few days...
Sadhonker? YO SADHONKER, where the hell are you bro? Well, that's just typical. First, he goes absolutely bonkers with a machete, almost causing the downfall of our universe. Naturally, I had to step in and use my brilliant mind to save the day. But now, with all said and done and our Big Red HQ is one big mess that really needs to be cleaned up, he's gone with the wind...
RISE OF THE TRIAD
Ah good, you're back! That comes as a huge relief, ladies and gentlemen. You see, we (Dennis and yours truly) inadvertently came about this close to destroying the universe (yes, again!) in our battle against the security AI gone haywire. As you may recall, said AI left me mostly in peace, while reigning down fiery hell on poor Dennis' head whenever it had the chance. Now, I like pestering Dennis as much as the next guy, but what I will not stand for is when my colleague is brutally and constantly assaulted by a deadly barrage of candy canes, snow globes and other tacky gift shop weaponry!
BATTLEFIELD: BAD COMPANY
Oh, hello there dear readers, here's a question for you: Have you ever had the feeling that you're really unwelcome at a certain location? Why do I ask? Well, let me explain; As Sadhonker told you 2 weeks ago, the AI we were combatting became a little more obedient after we... euhm... threw everything but the kitchen sink at it. Now, everything was fine and dandy after that and we did have some good times with several Disney princesses, or general characters in Sadhonker's case, because he somehow had a deep fascination for a rather large mouse with a bowtie for some reason...
Hello again, dear readers. It's your pal Sadhonker, returning to you with yet another thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine! I can safely say that it has been absolute mayhem around here, ladies and gentlemen; somehow, our Big Red HQ has gone rogue and turned on us. You may recall that, last week, Dennis was chased by an evil iteration of Wreck-it Ralph. Well, over the course of the last two weeks, things have gotten increasingly worse...
GRAND THEFT AUTO
Euhm, Sadhonker? Sadhonker... Mr. Big? YO, RED!!!!! Where the hell is that guy, whenever you need him, which in all fairness isn't all that often, he is always gone with the wind and, worst of all, he frankly doesn't give a damn... But, while we are on the subject of missing people; this theme park we reside in seems to be a lot emptier then when we first arrived... something is most definitely amiss here and I intend to get to the bottom of this right now.
CASTLE OF ILLUSION STARRING MICKEY MOUSE
Ah, ladies and gentlemen; how good it is to see you all, once again, for a brand new Big Red Timemachine! And when I say brand new, I mean brand new! You see, we had a little mishap of sorts after Dennis took you out last time. He had been secretly been working on a new source of clean energy but, as these things go when he is doing just about anything at all, he ran into trouble fairly quickly...
Charles? Charles?! Hand me my beer... NOW !!!! ...What are you whining about now? Yes, Yes; I know you are a prince. Well, at least in this world of commoners you are. To me you are nothing more and nothing less then an insignificant goldfish that I can flush down the newly installed toilet whenever I please!
THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2
And we're back, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. After a very interesting two weeks on my part, it is finally time to take the ol' Big Red Timemachine for another spin. I've taken the liberty of upgrading our trusty machine somewhat by installing a lavatory, the reason for which I shall probably first have to explain to you.
E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
I need to go deeper... how tough can it even be? It's not like rocket science... I mean, it's actually the exact opposite of rocket science... Now, where was I? Oh yes, I have the oxygen tubing all duct-taped together and the Oxygen collector is built top-side. I even found the special ingredient that, together with the industrial defibrillator will power this amazing discovery I made; a discovery that will fund this endeavor we call Big Red HQ forever and, most probably, until infinity plus one.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; it's your big red friend, Sadhonker. Now, I know you were probably expecting Dennis, but you see, we hit a bit of a snag there. Remember when I was telling you about him schlepping all kinds of timber and steel around? Well, it got worse... much worse! The steel and timber was quickly joined by an assortment of rubber tubing, pallets of duct tape and a very small but thoroughly worryingly smelly piece of cheese...
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: SHADOWS OF CHERNOBYL
The time has come for me to take you, dear readers, on a trip through time and space once more. Now, I might seem a bit on edge, but this is mainly due to the fact that I've been craving an espresso for some weeks now and just can seem to get any. Contrary to what Dennis said, I know perfectly how to use an espresso machine, but seeing as how the new contraption he built doesn't actually brew anything like the rich, dark nectar of the gods that is espresso, I fail to see why he calls it an espresso machine...
Aaaah, its finally time to stretch those time traveling muscles again! Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen boys and girls, to our new and improved BRT Headquarters. Since your last visit our hyper futuristic security system has been installed and pen-tested by dozens of daredevils. Strangely enough, these pen-testers were never heard of again somehow, so that might be something to keep in mind. But the completion of this system makes it possible for us to share our location with you guys.
We're back, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! It's January 11, 2019 and I'm proud to welcome you to a brand new Big Red Timemachine. And... wait... what? it's the fourteenth?! How the hell did that happen. Damn you, temporal anomalies! Nevertheless, notwithstanding the mix-up in dates, brand new is exactly the term I will use, because everything, aside from my colleague Dennis sand myself, is new! So let's dive right in!
THE BIG RED MESS
No time travel today, ladies and gentlemen. After the humongous mishaps that took place during the previous two thrilling episodes, the guys are now trying to figure out, in their very own and unique way, where to go from here... Let's see what they're up to shall we?
LEGACY OF KAIN: SOUL REAVER
Another Friday, another thrilling trip in the Big Red Timemachine! It's me, Sadhonker, freshly back from the hospital, where I resided after my bouncy castle mishap. Now, I still don't know why the seams of my castle ripped clean through without any apparent reason, nor why Dennis was in such a hurry to run off after I was catapulted - quite forcefully, I might add - trough the main hall of our Big Red Timemachine, but hey; at least I got to sue the asses off of the company that constructed said bouncy castle.
HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED
You know what, dear readers? I know I sometimes have some genius ideas, as I thought the bouncy castles were, but it seems that ever since I placed them my dear compadre seems to be unable to get any work done... I should take care of this, where is that machete that I confiscated from him ? It should be here somewhere...
Welcome, dear readers to another thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine. I'm sorry for the mess around he... zzzzzt zzzzt pfttttzzz... ime, but it have been a very eventful two weeks here at ou... krgggzzzz...ttrrrrrffff...krgkrgkrg... eadquarters. DAMMIT DUDE! STOP CROSSING WIRES WILL YOU?! No, don't start crying, I'm not going to shoot you. You know I promised Dennis I wouldn't do that anymore. Besides, I had therapy, so I'm all better now...
COMMAND & CONQUER: RED ALERT
Graham!!!..... Yo, Graham; quit hogging the loo, you're already hired, there's no more need to clean your trousers. The job... euhm lets call it interview, is over. Now get outta there and get back to the barbeque to keep an eye on my T-Bone Steak! I mean, the damn thing isn't going to flip itself, you know !? And you, Jeremy; are you done with redecorating Sadhonker's Office? NO?!!! Jesus Christ how did you get past my rigorous hiring tactics... Go back and finish it within the next 10 minutes or I'll make you take the 'Artist' exit on your way out!
Welcome, dear readers, to another episode of the Big Red Timemachine. Last week, if you remember, Dennis told you about my sudden disappearance at the end of our well-deserved holiday. Well, it turns out I had been out in the sun for far too long and something in my brain just went haywire. Not that this is a stretch from my usual mental state, but still, it got me thinking...
HELLLLLLLOOOOO there, well respected readers of the epic adventures of the Big Red Timemachine! After a short break we... or, at least, I am back. Now, now, don't worry; Sadhonker should come back in the next few days. You know how easily distracted he is...
SAM & MAX HIT THE ROAD
Aaaaaaand, we're back, dear readers. Welcome, welcome, to yet another episode of our beloved Big Red Timemachine. This will be the last time we will take you on a trip... What? No, Dennis, please stop crying and let me finish my sentence. Just drink your beer and go and talk to the nice ladies in the back, will you?
RETURN TO CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN
OOOOOOOW...... My head! Who knew that consuming over 450.000 beers would be this painful... What?? No, no, no; I don't have a hangover. I just fell into the hole that Sadhonker has been stuck in the past couple of weeks, because I was startled by a door suddenly and violently slamming open in our Big Red HQ...
THE 11TH HOUR
I've had a very interesting couple of weeks, dear readers. First, I get caught in Dennis' infernal contraption which resulted in a very painful experience. And then to make matters worse, The damn thing spun out of control, burying itself deep in the earth. How deep, I hear you ask? Well, about 1800 miles deep...
*Gulp* Well, eeehm, guys; I might have made a small error in all my calculations, most notably in my guess as to how Sadhonker would respond to being locked inside a giant square metallic room that has the tendency to rotate. Who could guess he would fill the darn thing with concrete... Anyhow, I think it is safe to say that we have a little situation going on here at Big Red Timemachine HQ!
LEFT 4 DEAD
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to another episode of the Big Red Timemachine. You may have noticed that there was a slightly bigger gap between episodes than usual. This is due to the fact that I was in no shape to work after I decided to give Dennis' "masterpiece" a try... But, I'm back, so let's go bend time and space!
Today we are taking a trip to 1996, the year in which Motorola released the first ever clamshell phone, Betty Rubble debuted as a Flintstone-themed vitamin supplement and the year in which, most notably, Activision published a game from the Attention to Detail team called Blast Chamber! So, strap yourselves in, because it is going to be a wild ride...
RAINBOW SIX: VEGAS 2
What do you mean "don't get your panties in a twist, old man"?! I'm not that old! And who told you about the panties?! It happened once, okay. I just had a bit too much to drink when... you know what, it doesn't matter! And do you know why it doesn't matter? Well, that's because you, mister, are FIRED! Yes, fired! Let go, no longer needed, in search of a new challenge... FIRED!!! Now get out of here, before I break my promise to Dennis, get my shotgun from my office and give you your two week's notice in lead!
Aaah, I love the smell of the shifting space-time continuum in the morning! Come to think of it, I also like it in the afternoon. Can't abide it at night, however. Makes me slightly nauseous, like smoked sausage. Oh well, that's just how these things go, isn't it? Welcome, dear readers, to another thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine!
Hello there, my fellow time travelers! Here we are, once again, ready for another ride in the wayback machine... or ,yeah well, I guess that name has already been taken but you get what I mean don't yah?
DANGEROUS DAVE IN THE HAUNTED MANSION
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and other assorted life forms! You have found your way, once again, to our Big Red Timemachine. Now, as you may have read two weeks ago, Dennis finally tracked down yours truly and managed to bring me back from the brink of insanity. I can't tell you precisely what happened because my memory is still a bit fuzzy, but I do know that I somehow managed to act even more psychotic than usual...
THE BIG RED... WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!
Hello Dear readers, and welcome to the new and improved Big Red Timemachine! This is your very own Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers, albeit slightly bruised and batterd. It was DumeeGamer's very own leading lady who brought to my attention (rather harshly, I might add.) the fact that it is about time to fill all you guys in on the goings-on here in our Big Red HQ. Or, to be more precise, the state of its illustrious crew...
I'm so, so sorry dear Dumeegamer.com readers. I don't know what I can say to make things better. Before I started this website back in May 2014, I spend days, months, maybe even years carefully selecting the perfect Time Machine for our Retro review category and without hesitation, I left my precious machine in the hands of Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams and Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. How was I supposed to know they would make such a mess time after time? And now they blew it up?! Oh boy, they're really going to get it during their annual evaluations this year.
THE BIG RED SEARCH
Dear Insignificant Humans... This is PAL 9001, reporting in with a final message from your supreme leader, Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. This message was recorded two weeks ago at an undisclosed location. Now playing message:
A BIG RED FAREWELL
It is a sad day, here at the Big Red Timemachine. I, Sadhonker the Great, will be making my final appearance today. Yes, you've read that correctly, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; I will not be making any more time trips for the Big Red Timemachine. Why, you ask? Well, it's just that I'm kind of fed up with, as well as deeply concerned about, the state of things around here...
Hmmm, you know what? It is really quiet in here without the constant ranting and yelling of our captive Mr. Sadhonker... maybe a little too quiet.... Wait, wait, wait, nooo! Please don't jump to conclusions now! I am not saying I am missing the nitwit! How could I? Every time I need my dose of Sadhonker I just go to my security monitors to see what he is up to. I even mess with him every now and then by sending some good old "friends" his way...
Here we are, back in the Big Red HQ! It took me quite some time to get back, seeing as how my prototype Big Red Timemachine started acting up in the middle of my last trip. Furthermore, it have been a stressful couple of weeks, because something's definitely... off somehow...
ETERNAL DARKNESS: SANITY'S REQUIEM
Now, as some of you may know, the tension between Ferry and Dennis is starting to build up again and Dennis has been missing for quite some time now. Will our dastardly duo ever be reunited and, more importantly, will they ever see eye to eye? Let's find out in this new and exciting eisode of the Big Red Timemachine!
Welcome, dear readers, to a slightly delayed Big Red Timemachine. As the more perceptive of you may have noticed, we should have blasted off last week, but due to a number of strange goings-on, I was regrettably not able to do so. I don't know what is going on, but it seems that the whole Big Red HQ is working against me somehow. If my HQ was a woman, I would say she is on her period and hates my guts right now...
KRUSH, KILL & DESTROY
Incoming inter-dimensional transmission:
Right, this should be reaching the HQ... First let me address the important people... our readers. Sorry to keep you waiting so long for a message confirming my good health. It seems that it's really hard to send and receive messages when you are not only whisked away from your own solar system and, ultimately, our galaxy, but also somehow end up in another dimension or two...
Hello dear readers, and welcome to another Big Red Timemachine! This is your very own Big Red Sadhonker speaking. I know some of you were expecting that Dennis would do the honors this week but, alas, he is still missing. After our super-computer, PAL 9001, managed to make him disappear completely from this dimension, I've been frantically trying to discover Dennis' whereabouts...
THE 7TH GUEST
Is it Friday already? Time flies when you're having fun, not to mention a timemachine! If I remember correctly, last we met Dennis took you on a trip and told you about planning his revenge on me for giving him too much alcohol. It seems he somehow managed to conclude, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I was the reason for him not feeling well after our latest bender...
WARCRAFT: ORCS & HUMANS
Oh god, oh god, oh god! I nearly missed my chance to take you guys, my beloved readers, on another of our most excellent adventures through time. You have to understand I have been dealing with a hangover for the past 4 weeks and nothing I do seems to fix it! I do still need to talk to Sadhonker about that, because it seems like the guy really wanted to get me drunk or in a coma!
Has it already been two weeks since our last Timemachine?! Damn, time flies when you're having fun. not to mention one drink after another in a more or less continuously fashion! So how did this drinking binge come about? Well, that is easy to explain. You see, Dennis and I were having a few problems in communicating with each other, so I thought it was high time for a team-building experience...
COVERT OPS: NUCLEAR DAWN
Have you ever had the feeling you where thrown under the bus by one of your dearest Friends? Now, granted; Ferry and I got off on the wrong foot but still you kinda grow attached to the guy after a while. Anyway, during the last episode of our grand adventures, he clearly didn't pull any punches and put all the blame of the explosion I heard last time on no one else but little ol' me!
EVIL DEAD: REGENERATION
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to yet another rendition of our super-awesome Big Red Timemachine. As you may or may not have read, the last time we met, there was a giant explosion deep in the bowels of our super secret Big Red HQ. Now, I'm not saying that I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I would like to stress that this explosion was not, strictly speaking, all my fault.
We're back for a brand new Big Red Timemachine! After some confusion as to how Raymond "Mighty Pirate" Dumee made his way into our Big Red HQ, we are now ready to blast off, once again, towards the glorious past of gaming. Join us and prepare to be amazed!
THE SETTLERS II: VENI, VIDI, VICI
Startling news, ladies and gentlemen! There has been a break-in at the Big Red Timemachine!!! You may have noticed we are one week overdue with this next episode of our time adventure, and now you know the reason why! Join us as we go live to the scene of the crime!
Welcome, dear friends, to another episode of the Big Red Timemachine! I am happy to report that things around here are still going swimmingly and neither Dennis nor I have felt the urge to physically hurt each other, so that has to count for something, doesn’t it? When we last met, you might remember that Dennis was ecstatic when I showed up at our super secret HQ in the company of a certain someone of the female persuasion. And, rightly so, he should have been! For I was in the company of none other than the incomparable Ali Larter!
Hello my dear friends! Finally, the time has come. "What time?" you may ask... well the time to take all of you on another grand adventure! This brand new Big Red Timemachine couldn't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned!
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the very first official Big Red Timemachine of 2017! I, Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams will be your host today on this journey through time and space. My esteemed colleague, Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers and I have, as you may have read, settled our differences and decided that it was about time we worked together instead of against one another, which has resulted in a much more easy-going atmosphere in our brand new Big Red HQ...
BIG RED RETURN: THEY'RE BAAAAAAAACK!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard correctly; Dennis and Ferry, our heroic time travellers, are back! After their mysterious disappearance, we were somewhat worried that they would inadvertently destroy our universe at some point. Luckily, it seems thay didn't, and that we've made another narrow escape yet again! So, we will now turn you over to the
idiots geniuses themselves and see what they have to say for themselves!
BIG RED CRISIS: SCIENTIST MEETING REPORT
Terrible news, ladies and gentlemen - boys and girls! After the mysterious disappearance and the alarming last messages we managed to recover from both Ferry and Dennis, we can only assume that the Big Red Timemachine is gone for good this time. On new Year's Eve, our Timemachine page even started glitching and has now vanished altogether! Our technical staff is doing absolutely everything they can to retrieve this data, but for now, it seems that all previous Big Red Timemachine reviews have vanished without a trace...
We can only assume that, in their efforts to one-up each other, the guys have managed to transport themselves to a place that exists outside of the normal space-time continuum. We managed to recover one single mysterious image (shown above) from the Big Red HQ's databanks before they also went haywire and shorted out completely, emitting nothing but an extremely underwhelming puff of smoke...
Will we ever see our dynamic duo again, or is this really the end for the Big Red Timemachine? Time to call a meeting with some of the top people in their respective fields!
Unfortunate news, ladies and gentlemen. It is with a heavy heart that we have to report that there still has been no sign of the Big Red Timemachine, and its occupants: Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers and Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams. Our technical staff has been working around the clock for these past two weeks to restore even the most simple form of contact. We have since learned that smoke signals don't do a whole lot.
DUKE NUKEM 3D
In this week's thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine, the conflict between Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams and Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers reaches a new high. Will they both manage to calm the hell down and finally settle their differences, or will they cause the downfall of the entire known universe by staying as pig-headed as we expect them to stay?
The Big Red Timemachine is ready to blast off once again, in search of great games from times past. At the helm today is Dennis 'CallMeBackdraft' Aspers, and he is more than ready to take you guys and girls on a trip into the past. So let's join him and see where the journey leads us! 3... 2... 1... All systems to maximum capacity... Blast off!
TIMESPLITTERS: FUTURE PERFECT
This week, we set off to look for a game that uses the same basic mechanic as we do: time travel! Join Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams as he delves deep into the mysterious Timesplitters universe and tries to unravel the mysteries surrounding the theft of his beloved He-Man figurine. Join us for another thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine!
After the loss of his He-Man figurine, Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams has never quite been the same... So now, it's up to our brave Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers to take you, guys and girls, on a trip down memory lane. Will he find the game he is looking for and, more importantly, will he find out what the hell is wrong with Ferry? Let's find out!
Things seem to have calmed down quite a bit at the Big Red Timemachine HQ. Ferry and Dennis are no longer at eachother's throats all of the time and even managed to form some sort of working relationship that appears to be mutually benificial for the both of them. Let's see what our dynamic duo is up to this time, shall we?
Our dynamic duo made it safely back home after their last, almost disastrous, trip into the past. Having just gotten back, Dennis longed for another trip into the past and left for a close-up look at (and a little good-old revenge on) dinosaurs. So let's blast off towards 1999 and see how he does!
GOD OF WAR
After a long period of absence, our Big Red Timemachine is finally back where it should be! Ferry and Dennis are fine and apart from some minor bruising they seemed to have no serious injuries. Physical injuries, that is... we can’t really tell if they’re mentally stable yet. Or, for that matter, if they ever have been...
POKÉMON: RED & BLUE
Okay, just to get this out there and without meaning any disrespect to the Big Red leader of this marvelous place, Lord Sadhonker. But who the hell thinks a boiler room is an appropriate place to make an office, especially since the guy likes to keep the Headquarters temperatures hotter than the deepest places found in hell!
WILLIAM SHATNER'S TEKWAR
Today, we're going to search for one of gaming history's hidden gems. I'm certain that a lot of you have played this game and (as I did) loved it to pieces! We're looking for a First person shooter that sprung from the mind of one of the most impressive spaceship captains in history.. Give it up for William Shatner's Tekwar!
In this brand new edition of the Big Red Timemachine, we'll discover what happened to Dennis after Ferry came after him with a shotgun. We will also go on an adventure through time, through a jungle and through a number of ruins and temples. Come with us, back to 1996 and play with Lara Croft... Wait, that didn't come out right!
This week, it's not Sadhonker who's at the controls of the Big Red Timemachine. No sir, it's DumeeGamer's very own Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. Seemingly, he wanted to take out the Timemachine for a spin himself, but Sadhonker wouldn't let him so Dennis took measures into his own hands. Oh boys, will you ever learn that this can only end in tears!
SECRET FILES: TUNGUSKA
Can anyone tell me what the hell happened here?! Here I am, looking at my Big Red Timemachine HQ, only, this isn’t my HQ. What’s with all the glittery stuff lying around the place? And where the hell are my robot servants?! I can’t even leave this place for a few days without someone coming in and buggering it all up!
Welcome readers, to a very special episode of the Big Red Timemachine. Seeing as how Ferry “Sadhonker” Adams is not here at the moment, I, Diana “DumeeGamer” Dumee will take you on this week’s trip through time. And what a fun time we will have, filled with colorful and happy Paper Mache animals!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, sometimes I manage to surprise myself. While browsing my previous timemachine reviews, I noticed that a game was missing that I played for hours on end. So why isn’t it on the list? I actually couldn’t tell you. I think it must have escaped my attention somehow...
ENSLAVED: ODYSSEY TO THE WEST
Today, I'm breaking my own rule. Well, not so much breaking it as bending it a bit. But hey, when you're the master of time and space, normal rules don't apply to you, do they now? Anyhow, get ready for another journey in search of amazing games from the past!
I would like to apologize upfront if today’s Big Red Timemachine seems a little shorter than you’re used to. It’s just that I’m so very, very tired, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. You may remember from when we last met, that I had assembled the single-most kick-ass crew in the known universe. And although I am very proud to work with these guys, I have decided to let them go.
ALONE IN THE DARK: THE NEW NIGHTMARE
HAHAAAAA, we’re back! And this time, we’re on time! This is mostly due to the fact that I once more fired my entire crew and hired a new one. And not just any crew; I’ve attained the services of one of the finest crews this planet has to offer: Richard Dean Anderson, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Michael Dudikoff and Bruce Campbell!
This week, our Big Red Timemachine descends into the fiery pits of Hell to do battle with the Lord of Terror (and all his minions along the way. So fasten your seatbelts, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position and keep your arms and legs within the vehicle at all times. ready...? Blastoff!
EVIL DEAD: A FISTFUL OF BOOMSTICK
Rejoice, the Big Red Timemachine has returned! After a two week wait it has finally come back to us, slightly battered and definitely worse for wear than when it left. Hmmm, I wonder what happened to it? Are... are those zombie heads nailed to the hull?! Let's ask DumeeGamer's Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams what the hell happened, shall we?
Due to the absence of the Big Red Timemachine's fearless leader, Ferry, it's up to DumeeGamer's own Diana to take on the task of leading you on a journey into gaming's past and regale you with tales of bravery, a cute wolf and... a paintbrush?
GEARS OF WAR
The Big Red Timemachine makes its first voyage in 2016! And what a voyage it is, ladies and gentlemen. Quickly we find ourselves knee-deep in murderous aliens called the Locust Horde. Luckily, we have an awesome gun with a chainsaw bayonet!
CLIVE BARKER'S UNDYING
Today we blast off toward 2001 in search for a game that even managed to make our own Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams feel uncomfortable... and that's no mean feat! So come with us and let's have a look at Clive Barker's Undying.
What's about eight years old, riddled with bugs, while still being one of the coolest games ever? Hellgate: London of course. Yes, I know, you may have already guessed as much when reading the above title, but I just don't care. I've got some demons to slay!
This week, we immerse ourselves in the 19th century gothic horrors of Victorian London. We battle the forces of evil and the Brotherhood of Hecate, whose occult antics have the citizens of London in a constant state of fright and despair...
SHOGO: MOBILE ARMOR DIVISION
It's time to be awesome! Just imagine; you, towering over everything and everyone, striking fear into the hearts of your enemies in your huge BATTLE MECH! This week, we travel back in time to replay this one of a kind First Person Shooter. Who's with me?!
BROKEN SWORD: SHADOW OF THE TEMPLARS
Ah, a quaint little Parisian Café on a sunny day. Is there anything more perfect than this?! Accept for that clown over there, he's kind of irritating. But what the hell, as long as he doesn't wreck my vacation, it's no skin off my back. Hey, why is he... BOOOOOM!
Hello Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet a close personal friend of mine: The incomparable Lance Boyle; funny man extraordinaire and host of that wonderfully violent TV show: Megarace! So let's have a look at this high octane game and try not to become roadkill!
CASTLEVANIA: SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT
Let's take a look at arguably one of the best games in the Castlevania franchise. A game that set the benchmark for all following titles and opened up an entirely new side to platform gaming to players worldwide. It's time to dust off our old Playstation or Sega Saturn and play Castlevania: Symphony of the Night!
RESIDENT EVIL 4
Hmm... a rural village somewhere in Europe, a mysterious cult infecting people with a strange parasite... this sounds like trouble! Lucky for us, we've got Leon Kennedy to save the day. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this week's Big Red Timemachine is all about the game that changed the face of an entire series... meet: Resident Evil 4!
Another two weeks have passed, so it’s time for another Big Red Timemachine. Although it probably won’t measure up to al the awesomeness we saw at GamesCom 2015, I decided to give it a shot anyway! So bare with me as we once again travel through time, in search of some of the coolest games ever!
Imagine being the janitor on a space station. No, don't get too excited, this is not about Space quest. No, this is about something else entirely. In fact, it couldn't be less alike that game. Because aside from being the janitor, you are also mankind's last line of defense against an invading alien race!
2043... Mankind is in a downward spiral. Half of the popultaion have gone mad and violence and bloodshed are a daily occurence. At least, in KEMO City it is. So it's your task to drive people around town in your cab while trying not to get killed. Let's get ready for some good old vehicular combat!
THIEF: THE DARK PROJECT
Creep through the shadows, dispatching your enemies one by one, without being seen. That is the premise of the game we have set our eyes on this week. Also, our very own Sadhonker has stopped talking to imaginary people and has been released from custody. So all in all, a great week! So let's sneak, steal and incapacitate to our hearts content in Thief: The Dark Project!
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA
Due to the absence of our very own Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams, this weeks' Big Red Timemachine is brought to you by Diana "DumeeGamer" Dumee. She has sent our somewhat confused time-travel crew on a two week vacation and valiantly travels back into time all by herself to tell you all about one of her all-time favorite games: The Legend of Zelda.
Come with us and take a trip to the dark side of the human mind. A place where dreams and reality collide and nothing is what it seems. Join Max as he tries to unravel the secrets of his past and escape this insane world he's trapped in. Sanitarium, anyone?
MAD DOG MCCREE
Howdy stranger... I don't know if you've noticed, but our town has been taken over by outlaws, led by the nefarious Mad Dog McCree. So basically, we're up shit creek without a paddle... There's only one person that can help us now, and that one person is you!
Imagine yourself being magically whisked away to a strange yet wonderful 2D cartoon land. Once there, you meet an old friend that tells you the whole kingdom is in danger and you're the only one who can save it... Pretty neat huh? If you want to find out what this feels like, we have the perfect opportunity for you...
COMMANDOS: BEHIND ENEMY LINES
Journey back with us today, to WWII... Well, technically, we're only going back as far as 1998, but we'll play a game that's set in WWII... close enough! Fight your way through war-torn europe and Africa. You are an elite team of specialists, the best of the best... You are Commandos.
Beads of sweat, gleaming muscles, the clanging of steel on steel. You size up your opponent and launch into a quick succession of strikes. Suddenly, he starts a counter attack and you're forced to defend with all your might. Your muscles start to ache, sweat drips down your face. Then you see it; a small opening in your opponents defence! You quickly turn and sever his head from his shoulders. Does this sound like fun? Then come with us and play BARBARIAN!
Dark times... the Nazi empire is setting its sights on world domination. There is only one man who can stop them... wait, what's that? Steven Seagal?! Weeeell, probably. But I wasn't talking about him. Sorry? Chuck Norris?! Yes, he could definitely do it, but he's also not who I'm talking about. Who? Oh come on, now you're just being silly. No! now shut up and go away! I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we have a bunch of new interns at the time travelling institute, and frankly, they're all morons! So where was I? Dark times, Nazis, yadeyade... Oh yes! Ahem... There's only ONE man who can save the world from this Nazi scum: B.J. Blazkowicz!
It's time to save the world... It's time for Wolfenstein 3D!
You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. eeehm... sorry, wrong movie! But hey, that's what you get when you're playing a first-class action shooter that looks and feels like a first-class action movie! So join me for a thrilling game of Black!
THE LOST VIKINGS
Imagine being three vikings... I know it's hard, but try. Got it? good! Now imagine being kidnapped by an evil alien emperor and beamed aboard his spaceship. come on, bear with me on this one. I promise it's gonna be good! ready? wait for it... wait for it... waaaaiiiit for it! BOOM! Now you're ready to play The Lost Vikings
Let's fire up the engines and blast off towards 1997; the year of fun, friends and fantastic games! One of these games is a masterpiece of its time. Action, excitement and mystery all rolled into one game. So without further ado, may I present: Blade Runner!
PITFALL: THE LOST EXPEDITION
Uncover the mysteries of a dense Peruvian jungle, thwart the diabolical plans of an evil treasure hunter, survive attacks from everything the jungle can throw at you and try to sweep a girl off her feet at the same time. This sounds like a job for a hero... this sounds like a job for... Pitfall Harry. It's time for Pitfall: The Lost Expedition!
Aaaaaand... we're back! a new year, a new edition of the Big Red Timemachine, and a brand new time-travelling crew. After initially refusing to leave the year 1996, our old crew eventually got tired of said year, and returned home. After a good talking-to, they were sent on their way... never to be seen or heard from again... Not quite unlike this week's game series. So ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax and play... SHENMUE!
Don't you just hate it when your staff doesn't seem to listen to a word you say?! If our time travelling crew ever makes it back here alive, I will personally kill them until they die of it! I mean come on, disobeying an order once is bad enough. Doing it twice in 4 weeks is starting to look more like a mutiny. Well, if it's a mutiny they want, a mutiny they will get. A serious ass-whooping will be delivered upon their return, and that's a promise.
DISCWORLD II: MISSING PRESUMED...?!
See the giant space turtle named A'Tuin, floating through the vastness of space carrying four huge elephants on his back. These elephants, in turn, carry a planet on their backs that's in the shape of a disc. It's a magical planet, filled with wondrous things. It's a place where there's actually such a thing as rimwards and hubwards. It's the Discworld... and things seem to have taken a turn for the ludicrous!
TWISTED METAL 2
My name is Calypso. Exactly one year ago on Christmas Eve, my Twisted Metal contest destroyed the City of Angels. Down below, life has come to a halt, as survivors struggled to stay alive... Sound familair? It should! Fasten your seatbelts and arm your rockets. It's time for Twisted Metal 2!
CRUSADER NO REMORSE & NO REGRET
Earth has deteriorated into a mass-consuming orb of greed. Economies around the globe collapse. Out of their ashes arise a number of huge conglomerates that eventually merge into one mega conglomerate called World Economic Consortium. The World Economic Consortium or WEC for short, controls everything on our once green planet. Our thoughts, our actions, our lives. It's time to win our freedom back. It's time for a rebellion. It's time for: Crusader!
I'd like to start this brand new Big Red Timemachine by asking you a question; What were you doing in 1994? Now, take your time to think about this, I know it's a very long time ago. Some of you might have still been just the glint in your mother's eye, while others were struggling with the eternal question of what exactly to do with the opposite sex...
Once every now and then, a star is born. Usually we don't get to witness this from up close. This is not the case however, with this series of games that thrilled gamers worldwide and transported them to a world where everyone can be the hero. Even brainy eight year old boys with large helmets...
Enter the timemachine, close the door, fasten your seatbelts, set the dial and hit the big red button. WHOOOOSSHHH... and it's 2005. You look down at your hands and see a PS2 controller, a XBox controller or a mouse and a keyboard have magically appeared there. You look up at your screen and crack a smile when you see a familiar image. It's time for Psychonauts!
DAY OF THE TENTACLE
The year is 1993. You, Bernard Bernouilli just got a message from dr. Fred, saying that purple tentacle turned evil after drinking toxic waste and plans to take over the world. You and your two friends, Hoagie and Laverne must stop Purple tentacle at all costs, or humanity is doomed.