BIG RED RETURN: THEY'RE BAAAAAAAACK!
By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers & Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams on January 13, 2017
Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard correctly; Dennis and Ferry are back! After their mysterious disappearance, we were somewhat worried that they would inadvertently destroy our universe at some point. Luckily, it seems thay didn't, and that we've made another narrow escape yet again! So, we will now turn you over to the
idiots geniuses themselves and see what they have to say for themselves!
Dennis and Ferry here! And damn, did we have one awesome trip! And we can't wait to tell you everything about it. However, before we get to the fun stuff, we'll have to see to the official mumbo-jumbo that has ensued from our trip through time and space.
We have traveled through thirty universes and left twenty-nine the way we found it. The thirtieth... not so much. So, first off, we would like to sincerely apologize to the inhabitants of the Quantis-6 universe for completely and utterly destroying their homes, planets and, yes, their universe itself. Furthermore, we would like to stress that it was not just our fault, although we might have played a minor part in its ultimate demise. Who knew it would be a bad idea to create a brand new Ultra-Super-Massive black hole by collapsing thirty or so smaller black holes and suns at the same time? We sure didn't!
And nobody told us that this would be a bad idea. The people of the village Bīru-mura (Beer Village) on the planet Ōkina akai wakusei (Big Red Planet) thought it was an awesome idea! This might be due to the fact that they were all shit-face drunk when we told them about our plans, but hey, who are we to Judge? So, if you think about it, it's all their own damn fault! But, even though we don't think their legal jurisdiction will ever reach this far, we would like to say we are really, really, REALLY sorry for any MINOR part that we might have played in the slight inconvenience that they might have endured during the destruction of their universe... And even they have to admit that it did actually looked freaking awesome!
Now that all that legal crap is out of the way, let's get on with the good stuff! We had an absolute blast of a time on our travels over the last few weeks. We would like to thank everyone that tried to find us during this time. But, having said that, we are sorry to inform you that YOU'RE ALL OUT OF A JOB, because you are terribly inept at your jobs! Well, actually we fooled you a bit there... we're not sorry at all! GET OUT!
Are they gone? Good! First things first! We would like to unveil something we are super-duper proud of, namely our nice and shiny brand new logo. We hope you guys and girls like it just as much as we do!
Admit it; it's awesome isn't it? ISN'T IT?! (just say yes, you don't want us to get the shotgun out, now do you?!) But, without further ado, on with the rest of our story!
Last time we met, you might recall the two of us having some difficulties communicating with each other. Except for yelling and getting drunk together, we were not able to work together as a team, because in our dictionaries, "I" is definitely a big part of the word "team". We are happy to report that, during the past few weeks, we managed to sort out our differences and become the team The Big Red Timemachine needs and deserves. So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; We are now equal shareholders in the Big Red Timemachine venture. And if you don't believe us, here's the proof:
This week, to celebrate our triumphant return, we will not be searching for a game but will rather be presenting you with a travel report. So without further ado, may we present to you:
THE BIG RED TRAVEL REPOOOOOOOOOORRRRRT (cue ominous echoing sound)
When we disappeared four weeks ago, we were transported to a planet in a distant universe, not unlike ours, with the exception of its inhabitants being mostly dim-witted idiots that believed everything we said. We managed to convince them that we were gods, descended from the heavens, on a mission to save them from boredom. Luckily, the Timemachine is always stocked with an ample supply of beer, so a beach party was underway before you could say "Those little umbrellas are not for eating!"
During this party, we had the more than awesome "Ultra-Super-Massive-Black-Hole" idea that, as we know now, led to its apparent destruction. But not before our eyes were drawn to the village chief's daughter, Kusatta Hana, or Hana for short. We later found out that this roughly translates to Perverted Flower, and for good reason! No sooner had Ferry finished "getting to know her better", than she Dennis stumbled into her... let's call it her tent and "introduced" himself. We didn't think much about it at the time, mostly because neither of us knew of the other's transgressions.
The next day, with heads feeling like they were being crushed by trampling wilderbeasts, we confessed to each other what had happened the day before and an awkward silence filled the Timemachine. When Hana came to see us, later that afternoon, she immediately started talking about pregnancy. Although we did not fully understand the Onara-on language, it became painfully obvious that at least one of us had "scored a goal" and would be the father of a brand new little alien. It was at that point that we fled out of the Timemachine and started coercing people into taking part in our briljant Black Hole scheme. Still drunk from the previous day, most of them agreed to help us and we started preparing for our experiment.
We managed to evade Hana for the rest of the day, mostly because we convinced the Chief that his daughter was a very naughty girl and have him ground her for the rest of the year (which, on Ōkina Akai Wakusei, lasts about 344.987.876 of our Earth days), prepared the Timemachine and set out into space. Once there, we put our plan into action and quickly found out that doing math while inebriated is not our strong point. The equations we had so carefully constructed came apart rather quickly and everything around us started disappearing from existence. So we hit the Big Red Turbo button and high-tailed out of the Quantis-6 universe all together.
After this narrow escape, we visited another 29 or so universes, but they were all too boring to appeal to our insatiable appetite for adventure! Just imagine an entire universe filled to the brim with lawyers and the likes, and completely devoid of bars, pubs or anything remotely like that. Trust us, it is a quintillion times worse than you could ever imagine! We had so much time on our hands, that we actually started talking to each other and found out that we both wanted the same thing all along. So we worked out our differences and set a course for home.
Once back on Earth, we decided that we deserved some more time off before returning to the Big Red HQ, so we traveled through time a bit. Because we don't want our loyal readers to miss out on all the fun we had (and havoc that ensued due to some of our less than intelligent actions), here are a number of pictures we took during our vacation:
So, now that we’re safe and sound in our brand new HQ, it is time for us to set things back in order and start planning our coming adventures. We hope to see you all again on January 27, when we will once again set sail towards the awesome games of yesteryear. For now, this is Dennis “CallMeBackdraft” Aspers and Ferry “Sadhonker” Adams, signing off. Until we meet again!
BIG RED RETURN: THEY'RE BAAAAAAAACK!