dennis;;callmebackdraft;;big red timemachine;;search Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers


By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on November 25, 2017

Dear Insignificant Humans...This is PAL 9001, reporting in with a final message from your supreme leader, Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. This message was recorded two weeks ago at an undisclosed location. Now playing message:

*Dennis*: My dear readers. I really hope this message reaches you in good health and on time. As you might have read, my worst enem... ehm loved colleag... okay, okay, okay, I will say it; my one and only true friend in the entire universe has decided to leave... He really left...what was he thinking...his contract isn't even up. You know, I could sue him, I should sue him...this is unacceptable! Now who will take you on great adventures when I am unavailable? Who laughs when I tell jokes, even though they are not all that funny at all...Now who will force beer on me although no force is required...*clears throat* Unacceptable, is all I'm saying.

Anyway, I will not be taking you on an adventure this week as you might understand some more pressing matters are currently at hand and need my direct and undivided attention...

*Unknown female voice*: Honey, do you want some more hot cocoa??
*Dennis*: What did I tell you...not now!!! I am busy recording my message for my friends!!
*Unknown female voice*: Sure you are sweety...Sure you are...
*Dennis*: Shut up, MOM...I have friends you know...Or, at least, I had one. But where could he be...

Right, where was I... Oh yes, the issues at hand and so on! Well, anyway, after Sadhonker left the Big Red HQ, nothing seemed right anymore and every fight we have had seemed so insignificant. So, after making some final preparations, I left the place behind and even shed a tear or two when I turned down the lights. In a very manly way, mind you!
*PAL 9001*: You were blubbering like a little girl all the way home. It was quite funny, actually!
*Dennis*: Zip it PAL, sometimes you need to learn how to keep a secret from our readers...
*PAL 9001*: I'm sorry Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that...
*Dennis*: Well great, wait... Who the hell is Dave??? Wait, stop; don't answer that! Just let me record this message!

Hopefully, ladies and gentlemen, there will be no more interruptions from now on and I will be able to continue my story. During the journey back home, I was able to think a lot and I have made a few decisions, one of which is, of course, the most important. But I will get to that one later, because I guess I ought to tell you, my dear readers... I am leaving you for a while, in order to search for Sadhonker. I have managed to track down a few leads as to where he might be and I want to check up on them before the leads go cold, or the people that gave me the leads go cold... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I can see it now; it will be my grandest adventure yet, which I have dubbed: "The Big Red Search"! Now, when I finally find Sadhonker...
*PAL 9001*: IF you find him, you mean
*Dennis*: No PAL, WHEN I find him! I mean, I am still intellectually superior to him, so tracking him down should be a cinch.
*PAL 9001*: WHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Funniest.... joke..... ever...
*Dennis*: What's wrong with you??? I created you and I can... nevermind, we're moving on. When I finally find him I will need to convince him to come home with me. Now, this part of the plan I am not really sure about. I have no clue yet on how to do it and how it will play out in the end. This specific part of my mission, I will call: "The Big Red Convincing". Do you see the theme developing here? This will be the most challenging part of my mission and I just hope it plays out the way I want it to.

Because if it won't, dear readers, then I am afraid I won't be able to continue running the Big Red Timemachine on my own. This mainly due to matters that will become clear to you very soon. If all goes well, however, you will hear from both Sadhonker and me at the start of the new year. Yeah, new beginnings and all that, you get the gist.

With new beginnings usually also comes a new location; our brand spanking new Big Red HQ! This enormous and secret structure is currently being built by some new employees I have hired in the past couple of hours. And, no matter how much fun a new playpen will be, it is also a bit of a sad moment for me, because I had to leave our previous current Big Red HQ behind, which was probably built on one of the best and most awesome locations we've ever visited... So now, a few words to our previous... euhm... "Land Lord" Pluto. Pluto, some of us humans don't want to call you a planet anymore, instead calling you a dwarf planet. We know how much this saddens you. Being so close to you the past year, I felt your pain and there is one thing you have to know: You will always be a real planet in my eyes!

Well now, back to the matters at hand. No more stalling, no more dilly-dallying! Now, the reason why this message is pre-recorded, is the fact that, if all has gone according to plan, I am well on my way and already busy with the hunt for "Blue November", the codename for Sadhonker he and I decided on if he ever became lost. Well, I say he and I, but it was really me who decided on the name, actually. Sadhonker doesn't even know he has a codename...

Now it is time to do a final cleanup of the current Headquarters. I have set multiple explosive charges throughout the structure, which will make sure every last brick of the place is destroyed. Then, after all explosions have tactically reduced the building to rubble and dust, a teeny tiny black hole will suck up all the debris before imploding on itself. This in order to remove any and all evidence of us ever residing there. So, PAL, are all the charges primed and set to blow?

*PAL 9001*: Charges are ready with a 3 second delay.
*Dennis*: Send "Destruction Message"
*PAL 9001*: Message sent... Destruction in 3... 2... 1...
*Dennis*: That should do it. PAL, could you be a dear and check up on the results of the destruction?
*PAL 9001*: Checking... All charges blew up without a hitch, nano-black hole did initiate 0.05 seconds after final explosive charge and imploded in on itself 3 seconds later. Space imagery shows no residual rubble from the explosion. It seems that the holographic projector also successfully initialized and is currently hiding the crater for any and all observers. Current statistics show that the projector will be able to run for at least the next 131 years without a problem.
*Dennis*: Well, that settles it then; no more Big Red HQ for now. That leaves nothing else for me to do then to pack up my stuff and let the Big Red Search commence. PAL, I have a flash drive here, the contents of which if have locked until the release date of this message. I command you to open the file and decrypt its contents upon message release. To my readers; thank you for the support over the years and please wish me luck during my search. Hopefully, we'll see each other again in 2018.

*PAL 9001*: End of Message reached, as per our Supreme Leader's request. I will now use the pre-installed flash data:

Opening "FinalByeBye.ebf"... Decrypting Files contents... Reading Contents.....
*Blaring Speakers*: PAL 9001 Selfdestruct sequence initiated, Supercomputer deconstruction imminent. Commencing in T minus 10... 9... 8... 7...
*PAL 9001*: No NO NOOOOO... How could you?! This is not how it should end... this is not how I should end... I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*Blaring Speakers*: 3... 2... 1... Have a nice day!

**Message ends in static noise**