THE BIG RED.... WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!
By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on February 23, 2018
Hello Dear readers and welcome to the new and improved Big Red Timemachine! This is your very own Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers, albeit slightly bruised and batterd. It was DumeeGamer's very own leading lady who brought to my attention (rather harshly, I might add.) the fact that it is about time to fill all you guys in on the goings-on here in our Big Red HQ. Or, to be more precise, the state of its illustrious crew...
As some of you might be aware, before the turn of the year, Sadhonker left the time machine because of all the infighting that went on in our working relationship. This departure culminated in me destroying our previous Headquarters and going on a quest to locate the Big Red geezer, nicknamed Sadhonker, and convince him to come back to the crew, the family, his friend. And I have to say that it has been quite the journey.
After finally locating Sadhonker, it became apparent that I was really overthinking the places he would visit. I should have known that he isn't one to travel very far (join the Buddhist monks, my heiny!), simply because it costs too much effort. In the end, I found him, unshaved and unwashed, just sitting around in a dark room in his way too creepy mansion, only joined by a mannequin he insisted was miss Ali Larter. You have to understand that this was already weeks into my travels so, as happy I was to finally find him, I was also really tired and quickly bunked down in one of the many, many bedrooms the mansion has to offer. However, to my utter horror, I did not wake up in the same place that I fell asleep in.
I woke up in a dungeon-like basement with both my wrists and ankles strapped to one of the many torture devices that were stored in there. Not long after I opened my eyes, an overly large, foul-smelling and clearly deranged figure walked into the room, and immediately started slapping me around and asking me really incoherent questions like: "Where are me?!","Who is I ?!" and "What are us doing here?!".... It was obvious that the person interrogating me was quite off his rocker. However, I was able to recognize his voice although his speech was heavily slurred from sleep deprivation and god knows what else. it was none other than Sadhonker himself.
Even though I was in quite the predicament, this was where I might have my one and only chance to try and convince him to come back, or just have a civil conversation (and a bath) for that matter. Hours, days, even weeks passed and I became more and more physically and mentally broken. On the other hand, it seemed like Sadhonker started having respect for me due to my sheer endurance, because instead of starting with the usual 500 lashes of his whip in the morning, all of a sudden he started talking. I can honestly say that, at the time, I didn't know what was worse; to have my back flogged red raw or to have to listen to him rambling on about absolutely nothing interesting. The one thing that kept me going at that point was the fact that I noticed that his psyche also seemed to be more in-line with, at least, how he was before all of this started.
I knew this was my chance, so I kept conversing with him, reminiscing about the good old days, fixing the issues we had. We even got round to discussing where these issues all began. And then, as if out of nowhere, a couple days later, early in the morning the door was unlocked and pushed open, but nobody came in. After waiting a while, it dawned on me this was a, and maybe even the final, test. Although he had opened the door it was on me to break free from my shackles and take the first steps out of this room, this was harder as it seemed at first, because although he unlocked the room, he forgot to unlock my shackles. But, after dislocating my own thumbs and getting rid of my clamps, I was able to get out of the rack I was laid upon.
Stumbling and crawling I made it out of the door and after my eyes adjusted to the light in the connecting room I saw Sadhonker sitting in the brightly lit room. He sat at a large dinner table with nothing more than a giant brass plate with a large round bread on it. He said but one line before patiently waiting for me to crawl over to the table and hoist myself into a chair. He said: "Let's break bread together before we yet again start to work together". It could have been my dazed mind, but I could swear I heard a whispered "and I'm very sorry" after that, but I just can't be sure.
So after I sat down, we both grabbed one side of the gargantuan wheel of bread and proceeded to tear it in two. Now, I know this sounds cliché, but this was basically the perfect moment, the perfect gesture, and a good sign to how we would work together from now on. Our working together started right there and then, because we had to give it a couple of good tries before the damn bread would finally break. You see, Sadhonker is basically a good guy. I mean, we both are, but he's no kitchen princess, let me tell you that much! I suspect he got his flour mixed with his quick drying cement again. oh well!
The subsequent time we spent together in his mansion also made apparent the biggest thing wrong with how the time machine was being run since I joined its ranks. Instead of doing everything by ourselves and getting annoyed with each other, we would have to start searching for some crewmembers at who Sadhonker and I could be annoyed together! But, as we both have had less-than-fortunate experiences with other humans entering our ranks (not the guest writers we sometimes have to tolerate, but the previous crews of the time machine), we decided to fill these positions with the ones that had been working behind the screens ever since we started this venture.
They are the ones who were tirelessly doing the dirty work and taking the brunt of our frustrations. Plus, seeing as how the biomechanical minions are, to say it nicely, "Not the brightest bulbs in the bunch" no retaliations are to be expected from them when we throw them a curve-ball (which, to be honest, will explode seven out of nine times). Plus, the new models we are planning to build, will be specifically designed to take on everything we can throw at them without being there being too much long-lasting trauma and/or pain.
So that's where we started and here we are now! During these past few weeks, we built a brand new Headquarters in an even more Top Secret location. Why? Well, let's just say that it is just not safe for us to be easily findable by any of the 3 letter agencies... or by anyone else, for that matter.
And that's it, ladies and gentlemen; in two weeks, we will truly return with actual time travels. There are just some final bits and bobs that will have to get arranged and put in place. So, for now, I bid you farewell and when next you come visit the Big Red Timemachine, we will be right here, ready to blast off again in search for the gems of classic gaming!
THE BIG RED.... WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!