By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on April 5, 2019
Charles? Charles?! Hand me my beer... NOW !!!! ...What are you whining about now? Yes, Yes; I know you are a prince. Well, at least in this world of commoners you are. To me you are nothing more and nothing less then an insignificant goldfish that I can flush down the newly installed toilet whenever I please!
You're leaving ? Ha! Where are you gonna go? There is nowhere for you to go. I mean, a place that is impossible to enter without my permission is even more impossible to leave from. Now where is that beer?! I have some celebrating to do because my new findings have finally revealed its true potential. And since no one knows of its existence I can. and will. use it to finally start my dominion over this rather sad looking world and even more so the lifeless universe it managed to find itself in.
What my findings are ? Well, I discovered a formerly unknown element and found that it gives out endless supplies of energy at a way higher rate than all currently known sources. I does seem to have some slight side effects to those actually handling the stuff but at least it doesn't irradiate anything. What these side effects are? Who cares about the side effects; the world's power problem is finally solved, now its time to capitalize on it! Could you stop pointing at the time machine! What do you mean its time ? time for... Oh god!! Do I have to take the readers on a trip again? I have no time, there is so much planning that needs to be done, well what year do you suggest? 2010?! What good ever came out of 2010? Oh never mind, you are useless anyway. I have an idea now. Get out of this machine because it is time to set foot on another world, because apparently there ain't no rest for the wicked.
We set foot on Pandora. For those of you that have been living under a rock for the past decade; it's the planet that is home to violence, guns, magical powers and of course guns! What do you mean I already said guns?!? Of course I did, because I mean guns, loads and loads of guns! Pandora is a planet in the Borderlands Universe, a game (series) developed by Gearbox Software and published by 2K Games. And it is no ordinary planet, because it is basically full on anarchy. Violence rules and the guy or gal with the biggest and best weapons is always on top.
At the start of the game, before we set out on this grand adventure, you must first select one of four characters. The characters we meet are, Brick, a large, powerful man, who is a Berserker; Lilith, a Siren with mystic abilities, Mordecai, a skilled marksman and his trusty companion Bloodwing and Roland the Soldier. Each character has its own unique skill ranging from Rage for the berserker to calling in your avian friend to attack anyone that your aiming at. Apart from that each character also has its own specialization towards the weaponry, making one type of gun more suited for Mordecai, while another might be perfect for the lovely Lilith.
After we have chosen our character, its finally time to set foot on Pandora, a planet cast in turmoil after mega corporations fought over it because Atlas (on of the corporations) found an ancient Vault on the surface, positively stocked with weapons and technology. They then tried to settle on the planet but to no avail. So they were forced to leave, mostly due to being amazingly inept at dealing with the natural and usually very violent wildlife on the planet. Another corporation took Atlas' place however and was able to colonize Pandora, using convict slave labor to mine the vast amounts of minerals the planet had to offer, hhmmmm who thought it was a good idea to colonize a planet using strictly wacko convicted criminals. Why would anybody think this could never go wrong ? Well, that was the Dahl Corporation, and they didn't seem to care much for the vaults that might still be around... Or did they ?
Our rag tag team of fighters are one of the many, mostly unsuccessful, people who call themselves Vault hunters and are always in search of wealth by uncovering another Vault and try and make money off of it. But are these vaults mere legends or is there any truth to all the amazing stories that get tossed around at the bar late at night?
In our quest to find the vault Borderlands shows its true power as a First person shooter with an eccentric cell shaded exterior. It's a Looter Shooter that is best played Coop with a buddy next to you on the couch, but can just as easily be played as a single player. And this game is going to throw everything at you including the kitchen sink. From animals that have to watch out not to get crushed under your boots to ginormous bosses that can leave you cowering in a corner like a sad little puppy. One of the non-playable characters in the game, a one wheeled robot named Claptrap, will soon become one of the most beloved characters in gaming history due to his overall ineptitude. An ineptitude, I might add, that is second only to his humor and bravado.
And man, what a great game Borderlands is! Everything you kill drops something, but then you get to the bosses that spew out literal fountains of guns, protection and other knickknacks that will help us on our journey to find the vault and capitalize on its riches. Talking about riches, it is time for us to move back to the real world before Charles gets any big ideas.
Sadhonker! Where did you leave Charles ? what do you mean you don't know who I am talking about... Prince Charles has been here the past few weeks!!! Come to think of it, where were you all that time? Oh come on; that cheese left your bowels weeks ago! Charles, where in god's name are you and, even more importantly, where is that beer you promised me ages ago!!!!!
Get lost Sadhonker I don't have ti.... What do you mean we really have to talk ? Oh well, if you must. Well, what is it? Come on, spit it out then...
Hey guys, this is Sadhonker speaking. I have some delicate matters to talk about with my good friend, mister Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers. It seems to me that it would be best for now if we say our goodbyes. So that's it for this week's episode of the Big Red Timemachine. But don't worry, I will take you on another adventure in two weeks time, after I take care of Dennis. Take care, bye bye now.
Gearbox Software & 2K Games