DUKE NUKEM 3D
By Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams on December 2, 2016
Here we are again, ladies and gentlemen; two weeks later and still no clue as to what my dim-witted associate is planning in that room of his (which is constantly locked. Trust me... I've tried!) What I do now, is that Dennis is truly the one who stole my vintage He-Man figurine. How do I know that?! Because of my video surveillance system. You see, knowing the limitations of Dennis' cognitive functions, I installed a truckload of really noticeable camera's, with flashing red lights and all. Next to these, I took the liberty of also installing a miniature camera, which is completely invisible, because it is made to look like a stack of financial reports. Knowing that Dennis would never go anywhere near something that looks even remotely like work, this was the best way to hide my camera.
My plan paid off! I now have irrefutable evidence of Dennis stealing my He-Man figurine. Now, there are two ways to handle this. One: talk it over like adult human beings and come to a satisfactory result that makes both parties happy, or two: build an elaborate machine to punish the guilty party and inflict massive pain while doing so, knowing full-well that this machine has one tiny teeny flaw: using it machine could cause the entire universe to implode... Of course, being the level-headed and composed man I am, I will naturally choose to MAKE HIM FEEL THE FULL FORCE OF MY WRATH!!! So what if the universe implodes?! A minor setback, that's all!
But, before I do all that, I will take you on a trip back in time or, more specifically, to the year 1996. We are searching for a guy who I can really relate to; he's good with the ladies, he enjoys a good drink and he utterly obliterates everyone who gets in his way. So, in many ways, he's just like me! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I present: Duke Nukem... in 3D!
Launched for MS-DOS in 1996 and a year later for Mac OS, Sega Saturn, Sega Megadrive, Playstation and Nintendo 64, Duke Nukem 3D pulled all the stops! The game was developed by 3D Realms and published by GT Interactive Software. It transported the player into the future (to the year 2007, to be exact), in which the earth has been overrun by alien scum. After his adventures and the destruction of Dr. Proton, Duke returns to earth in his space car. When almost at his destination, he receives a distress signal from earth. He quickly discovers that the aliens have launched a full-scale invasion on Earth, taking over the planet. Now, it's up to Duke to save humanity once again...
Duke Nukem 3D is a 3D first person shooter, featuring a lot of crude language, big explosions and hot women. The developers really aimed for that over-the-top feeling and succeeded! Everything just felt faster, bigger and more bad-ass than any shooter ever accomplished up till then. Naturally, not everyone was happy with a foul-mouthed protagonist, but I, for one, couldn't be happier at the time. As you play through the game, Duke fights his way through a veritable army of aliens and destroys them all with a wide assortment of weapons, a grin from ear to ear and a couple of really cool one-liners.
Visually, Duke Nukem 3D looked the part. The 3D graphics looked amazing at the time and gave you the feeling that blood and guts were about to start leaking from your screen. The frantic soundtrack, provided by American metalband Megadeth, only increased the high-octane feeling you got from playing this game and enhanced the overall experience. Couple this with a few barely-clad ladies and you can imagine that this game was the pinnacle of computer entertainment for any sixteen year old boys at the time, especially those who mostly stayed at home and wouldn't know what to do with a girl, even if she'd literally throw herself at them. I don't know if playing Duke Nukem was the best training for any young boy who is playing with the idea of entering the dangerous waters of dating. I can picture it now: romantic candlelight, she takes off her clothes and you BLOW HER TO BITS WITH A PIPE BOMB! No, I really don't think that would work...
Although Duke Nukem 3D might not have been a good guideline for learning how to act around other people from the opposite sex (or people in general, come to think about it...), it was a brilliant way of letting off some steam. If you came home from school or work, just itching to break something, you only needed to play Duke Nukem 3D for half an hour, and you'd be feeling awesome again! Especially if you managed to take down a specific boss and had the satisfaction of seeing Duke actually making good on his "I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck!" promise, he made the unfortunate alien, just before fighting it. Aaah... good times!
Alas, that is all the time we have for this week's Big Red Timemachine. It might seem a bit shorter than usual, the reason for which being that I have to finish building an Armageddon device in order to punish Dennis for stealing my He-Man figurine. Luckily, I already did some work on it a while ago, so it shouldn't take me too long to finish it. If I just attach my new Thermo-coupling device to the Toroid-Spheric-Annihilation-Filters and adjust the output of the Ultimate-Doom-Generator circuits, everything should go off without a hitch!
So, let's see how my esteemed colleague is doing, shall we?
Oh, Dennis? Could you come out here for a second? No, this will not take long, I know you're busy (doing absolutely nothing)!
Now we just wait until the bastard sticks his head out of the door and I'll let him have it. Ah, the door is opening!
Well Dennis, let's have a little chat about you stealing my He-Ma... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
What do you mean "Now I've got you!"??
You got it all wrong, you idiot! It is I who now has you!
"bring it on?"
You've got to be kidding me!
Allright, if this is how you want to play it, so be it!
In the words of Duke Nukem himself: COME GET SOME!!!
**-- Message ends in static noise --**
We're very sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we seem to have lost contact with the Big Red HQ. Now, we know this has actually happened before and our technicians assure us that it is just a temporary error, but judging from the amount of hardware Dennis and Ferry have been collecting over the past few weeks, we can only fear the worst! So, if somehow, these two idiots... I mean, esteemed co-workers manage to blow up the entire universe, we here at DumeeGamer.com would just like to say we're really, really, REALLY sorry!
DUKE NUKEM 3D
3D Realms & GT Interactive Software