E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on March 8, 2019
I need to go deeper... how tough can it even be? It's not like rocket science... I mean, it's actually the exact opposite of rocket science... Now, where was I? Oh yes, I have the oxygen tubing all duct-taped together and the Oxygen collector is built top-side. I even found the special ingredient that, together with the industrial defibrillator will power this amazing discovery I made; a discovery that will fund this endeavor we call Big Red HQ forever and, most probably, until infinity plus one.
After I successfully finish this project, we will finally be able to cut ties with our evil overlords that enslaved us to work for their website... oh yes, my dear readers; I know she looks all fine and cute and all, but believe me when I say that The leading lady of DumeeGamer, who also happens to be Sadhonker's lady, is nothing less than evil incarnate... albeit in a very cute and cuddly package!
Now, where did I put 100 year old Vieux Boulogne...? SADHONKER!!! Did you take my cheese? No, not the gold bars in my vault; you can have all of those. In a few days, when I am done, I won't be needing them anymore anyhow. No, I mean the actual cheese. Remember? The one you where complaining about, because it was so smelly?
YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!??! You ate it?! Oh god, no... What's the problem with you eating it? Well, two things actually! You see, it was THE secret ingredient needed to activate something I found; something that would make us able to finance this all new HQ without the "Help" of DumeeGamer.com Headquarters... What? Hold on. Do you mean to tell me that Miss Dumeegamer herself ordered you to eat it? Oh, this is just too precious... hahaHAHA...AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA... *Laughs Manically for 2 hours straight*
Okay, okay... phew! Now, sweet dimwitted Sadhonker, my master plan might be dead in the water for now, but let me hold off on telling you part two of what is the problem with you eating that particular cheese. Instead, let me just wish you a lovely weekend with the misses...
Well then, dear readers. Since my plans for this weekend just went down Sadhonker's gullet, why not go on a trip to one of the games from way back when? And, since not all plans come together like they are supposed to, let us travel back to 1982 and visit a game that filled up more holes in the ground then it was installed on home computer systems.
Us gamers all know that a good movie does not always (read, almost never) make a good game, but back in 1982 that wasn't quite as widespread a knowledge as it is today. So, hot after the release of the Blockbuster movie E.T. : the Extra-Terrestrial, Atari released a game with the same name for its Atari 2600 gaming system. After negotiations and all that corporate jazz, the game was released in the same year as the movie. Actually, it released only 6 months after the movie first entered the movie theaters. The game was highly anticipated as a Christmas gift that year, especially since its release in that particular season.
But then trouble set in! As stated, the game was negotiated, planned, developed and marketed in about 6 months. All of this happened in a time where the gaming industry was deemed a booming market so "quick and dirty" games could be found left and right. However, this time it was done by one of the big boys of gaming at the time: Atari. Plus, the game had a Triple-A Blockbuster name attached to it from a movie that grossed 80 times its recording budget.
Here's the problem: E.T. was just not a good game. It had no storytelling and it had basically no rhyme or reason. You played as a sprite that was roughly shaped like E.T. and that was basically all the link you had with the movie. The world you moved around in was just bright green or blue with some darker patches. In this world, you could move around and at random times the game would spawn an enemy. Now, even for the time in which this game was created, it had really, really, REALLY bad AI. When moving around, you could fall into pits without being able to avoid them, but at least you could move out of them easily by just holding up. In short: the game posed no challenge whatsoever.
E.T. is widely regarded the game that showed what was wrong with the computer game market at the time and one of the top games responsible for the market crash that happened shortly after its release. All of a sudden, Atari had to deal with 2.5~3.5 million cartridges that where unsold and returned to them... which then started a rumor, that lasted for 31! Years. People said that Atari had buried these cursed cartridges in an Alamogordo landfill. Now, Atari never officially confirmed the existence of this computer game graveyard... but in 2014, 31 years after the rumor started, someone took it upon himself to create a documentary centered around the E.T. game, as well as a Pac-Man game by Atari, which where the two games that actually made Atari go From top dog in the video game market to being bankrupt in a few years time. In this documentary, they started digging in the alleged graveyard and found Boxes upon Boxes of E.T. Game cartridges putting the rumor to bed and making it a fact of computer gaming History.
Talking about history, I have some Historic Artifacts to uncover, index and research. Plus, I also need to find another one of those really rare cheeses, since Sadhonker couldn't keep his hands of the previous one. Imagine, buying a $100.000 chunk of cheese, only to see it eaten by a colleague. Oh well, I will be on the prowl for that again shortly. In the meantime, I will make sure the oxygen tubes reach all the way to the installment I found and everything else is hooked up and ready to go.
Hey Sadhonker! Just so we are clear here, I have written this note and I have calculated the time of a, for me at least, REALLY funny event that's going to happen in your household. No, I'm not going to tell you what this event entails, only that it's going to happen at 6 PM this Saturday. Could you please make sure you hand this note to your wife afterwards and that she reads it? Trust me on this; you will definitely want to give that to her...
E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL