A BIG RED FAREWELL
By Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams on November 10, 2017
It is a sad day, here at the Big Red Timemachine. I, Sadhonker the Great, will be making my final appearance today. Yes, you've read that correctly, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; I will not be making any more time trips for the Big Red Timemachine. Why, you ask? Well, it's just that I'm kind of fed up with, as well as deeply concerned about, the state of things around here. It's just not the same since I hired Dennis as my coworker, and I fear it will never be the same cozy and truly awesome Big Red HQ it once was as long as the two of us are here together. So I decided to be the bigger man (which, incidentally, I literally am) and step down, in the hope that this mighty institution may return to its former glory once more...
See, the last couple of months, the animosity between Dennis and myself started flaring up again and I started fearing that we may well revert to the same tactics as last year and that we will, once again, possibly destroy the entire universe. Now, as some of you might now, I suspected something was off when Elvis stopped talking to me a couple of weeks back. Elvis has never done this before; usually it's quite the contrary. You see, Elvis has a tendency to prattle on and on about almost everything and it is hard sometimes to get him to finally shut up! That is when I suspected something was amiss and started a little investigation on what the hell was going on.
I quickly discovered that the Big Red HQ I was residing in wasn't the real Big Red HQ! No sir, it was a very close replica, but not the real thing. I discovered this in a most peculiar way, namely by going to the bathroom. In the real HQ, I installed the Flushmeister 3000 in my personal bathroom, because of I like its heated seat, massaging water jets and extensive bluetooth capabilities so much. In this phony Big Red Pile of Crap, however, someone messed up. Instead of my trusty 3000 series toilet, they installed a mere 2800 series which, to the untrained bottom, is exactly the same. The advantage is that it is much cheaper than the 3000 series with many of the same specifications. It does not, however, influence the cislunar orbit of the Flushmeister Satellite, which is responsible for the toilet producing the perfect flush every single time.
Being distraught as I was at the time, I didn't immediately notice the difference when I sat down, but when I flushed and felt tiny droplets of water hitting my bottom, I instantly knew that something was very, very, VERY amiss. You see, the Flushmeister 3000 will always reposition the water nozzles a tiny bit, to compensate for the speed of the earth's rotation and current alignment, so you can be damn sure that no flush water will hit your hiney... ever!
So I started inspecting the rest of the hoax-HQ and started noticing tiny details that were just not right, most of them were mainly put in from a money saving perspective, something that led me to believe that monsieur Dennis had something to do with all the strange goings-on of late. It was cleverly done and it were really tiny details, like the knobs of the kitchen cabinets not being real 42 carat diamonds and the cutlery wasn't made of real Rhodium with the intricately shaped Californium 252 "BRT" inlay. You see, really small and insignificant changes, but changes nevertheless!
Now, not a lot of you might know this, but I have always been a huge fan of the old Batman series, featuring Adam West and Burt Ward and I had my very own Batman tool belt made a few years ago. And as luck would have it, I always carry a can of Dimensional Displacement Repellent in there, so I didn't hesitate for even a nanosecond and used it on myself. Now, for those of you who have never experienced the effects of Dimensional Displacement Repellent, it can best be described as a feeling of being stretched really, really thin, then rolled into a ball and finally, being turned inside out before returning to your natural state. It's not a bad trip, actually!
After using the repellent, I found myself in the original Big Red HQ once again. At least, it looked very much like the original HQ, so I immediately checked the toilet (which I had to use anyway, that's one of the disadvantages of using Dimensional Displacement Repellent. It makes you want to take a dump really, really bad!) and was glad to notice that, after flushing, my posterior was still dry as a bone! I quickly checked the kitchen and was happy to see that everything there was also the way it should be.
After checking a few other loose odds and ends, I was certain that I was finally home again, something that filled me with utter joy! On the other hand, being back made painfully clear what was lacking in my life; some peace and quiet. With Dennis and I at each other's throats all the time, this endeavor can only end in tears, blood or the total an utter destruction of everything we know! This was when I decided that I have had enough, so I pushed the Emergency Return Button, calling back the Big Red Timemachine in an instant and made myself scarce before Dennis even noticed I was there. On my way out, I noticed that Raymond "Mighty Pirate" Dumee was still trying to find his way out of our huge-ass, labyrinthine front yard, so I showed him the way out, something for which he was very happy and couldn't thank me enough.
It was when I felt so happy to see him finally be on his merry way back to looting and pillaging that it hit me: I seem to somehow, don't ask me why or how, feel happy when I help people. Now, if you know me, you also know that I absolutely loathe most people, so the idea of me being happy when helping them (and, coincidentally, getting nothing in return for it) is absolutely ridiculous! Nevertheless, I decided to give this new approach a shot and turn my life around. So, dear friends and casual acquaintances, this is it; the end of an era! It is over, finite, aus, klaar, fin, terminado, færdig, završeno, peperasménos, päättynyt, chrìochnaichte. In short: I'm outta here!
I was planning on making a final run, but having been through so much, the risk of things going wrong at the last second is just too great. So I will leave you in the somewhat capable clutches of Dennis and would like to thank you for the years of tremendous fun we had together. I will be joining the Tibetan monks in chanting and prayer, hoping to restore the peace and quiet I once felt and rediscover the joys of life... speaking about joys of life; I wonder if miss Ali Larter is still mad at me... hmm, might be worth a shot. I mean, this will be my last day before I enter the monastery and live a life of celibacy! Maybe I also still have Jennifer Connelly's number lying around somewhere... I mean, if you don't shoot, you don't score, right?
And to my coworker, Dennis; we sure had some fun and it has been a radical trip but, as you know, all things must come to an end eventually. Take care of my Big Red Timemachine likei t was your own and make sure our guests are safe when you take them on your next trip through time and space... And, Dennis: if there ever was someone who I would wish the HQ to, it would be you. It is a truly lovely ship and I think that you should definitely GO DOWN WITH IT!!!
This is your friendly neighborhood tyrant, Sadhonker, signing off... for good...
A BIG RED FAREWELL