By Ferry "Sadhonker" Adams on April 6, 2018
Aaah, I love the smell of the shifting space-time continuum in the morning! Come to think of it, I also like it in the afternoon. Can't abide it at night, however. Makes me slightly nauseous, like smoked sausage. Oh well, that's just how these things go, isn't it? Welcome, dear readers, to another thrilling episode of the Big Red Timemachine!
So, what have we been up to in these past two weeks? Well, Dennis and I interviewed a LOT of applicants for the open positions within our organization. After a careful selection procedure we settled on four top-notch people who will, from now on, fulfill the dangerous quest of taking you, dear readers, on a quest through space and time! So, it is with no small amount of pride that I present to you, our brand spanking new crew: Kelly, Jason, Juan and Suzi!
Suzi and Juan will serve as our navigators, while Jason handles tech and security. Kelly, who I personally hired and... eeehm... "trained" extensively, will... look pretty when we land, I guess, as well as be my personal assistant between flights. So, without further ado, let's get this maiden voyage underway! Guys, are you ready? Wait... what do you mean, Kelly's not here? Well, where is she? In bed? Why in the hell would she still be in bed? ...WHAT?! Morning sickness??!! Oh hell no! I've been so careful... I mean, she looks like the type of girl that is always very careful with that kind of... situations. What to do, what to do...? Right! You three handle the Timemachine and our audience, while I go check up on Kelly!
So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. No, seriously, you don't want your limbs scattered across a period of 29 years now, do you? So, everyone aboard? Here we gooooooo!
Welcome to 1989! The year of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, the first episode of The Simpsons and, of course, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade! But, coincidentally, the year in which Sega launched a game that is a personal favorite of both me and Dennis, and which we still play on occasion. It is a game of monsters and magic, battles and bad guys. The game to which I'm referring is, of course, Golden Axe!
Developed by Makoto Uchida, the same man who brought the world Altered beast, Golden Axe took the planet by storm. Millions of players have since then visited the magical and dangerous land of Yuria. A nefarious dictator called Death Adder has taken control of said land and, in the process, killed a lot of people, among who were close personal friends or family of our three heroes. Now, as you might suspect, we cannot stand for this, so we set out to defeat Death Adder's forces and seek out the evil-doer himself.
The player (or players when you had more than one controller) controls one of three heroes and sets out on a quest for vengeance. The three playable characters are: a battle-axe wielding dwarf called Gilius Thunderhead, A barbarian that goes by the name of Ax Battler and who carries a mighty broadsword and, finally, a Amazonian warrior babe brandishing a longsword, Tyris flare. Death Adder managed to piss off all three of these heroes by killing someone close to them, so all three of them swear bloody vengeance upon him and his minions, of which he has more than plenty, by the way!
Now, the single player mode is already pretty awesome, but Golden Axe really shines when played together with a friend. You can each choose a character and start hacking and slashing your ways through tons of baddies. Be careful though, because this is a game from 1989, so no friendly fire was a term no one had heard of yet! And there is nothing more stressful for a relationship than being axed in the head by your friend. One minute, you're happily cutting up an enemy and the next, you could be thrown halfway across the screen by your ally, who just wanted to help you.
There was more to Golden Axe than just clobbering enemies with your weapon. Each character also had a magic attack that, depending on the character, varied in maximum strength. The magic attacks are unique to each character and are linked to three of the elements: Gilius could fling lightning around like nobody's business, Ax used Earth magic to crush his foes and Tyrin wielded powerful Fire Magic to burn her enemies to a crisp.
Another cool mechanic in Golden Axe were the mounts. While traveling through Yuria, you would sometimes come across enemies that rode strange animals. By knocking off the enemy, you could jump on the animal and ride it yourself. The animals in question ranged from dinosaur-looking beasts that knocked over enemies with a swipe of their mighty tail to a range of dragons that, according to their colour, could spit fireballs or breathe fire and wreak some serious havoc.
Your quest took you all across the land of Yuria, until you finally reached the castle of your nemesis: Death Adder. In some versions of the game, like the Sega Megadrive version and the PC version, players were also able to battle one additional enemy, the man who made Death Adder what he is today: Death Bringer.
Golden Axe looked really, really cool in its day. It had beautiful environments, cool characters and awesome attack moves. The cooperative gameplay made the game even more fun than it already was. It was a magical take on Double Dragon and if you were a sucker for Fantasy, than you would sooner play Golden Axe than its more contemporary-looking counterparts. The game was so successful that it spawned a couple of spin-offs as well as four sequels, the last of which was released in October of 2008 for the Playstation 3 and the Xbox 360.
So, if you're looking for a good time, I strongly suggest that you somehow get your hands on this awesome game. Invite a friend and start chopping your way through numerous levels and even more bad guys. I can assure you that you're going to have a lot of fun with this vintage game gem!
And that's all the time we have for today. I'm glad my crew managed to get you all home safely, without any mishaps whatsoever. Talking about mishaps; you'll be pleased to know that Kelly is fine and most definitely NOT made pregnant by... well, whoever it was she slept with! Let's not dwell on that, shall we? Suzi, dear, we will have to work on your English some more. Kelly didn't suffer from morning sickness, she just said that she felt sick this morning. See, dear readers, what Suzi relayed to me as being "morning sickness" turned out to be nothing more serious than a bad burrito.
So, with that, I must leave you and hope to see you all again in two weeks, when Dennis will once again take you on a trip into the unknown! Talking about Dennis, where the hell is that guy? I haven't seen him for a couple of days. Oh well, he's probably messing around with one of his experiments again. In any case, this is your pal Sadhonker, signing off in a very relieved and definitely not fatherly way!