By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on September 7, 2018
HELLLLLLLOOOOO there, well respected readers of the epic adventures of the Big Red Timemachine! After a short break we... or, at least, I am back. Now, now, don't worry; Sadhonker should come back in the next few days. You know how easily distracted he is and well, apart from the squirrels that he kept running after during our holiday at the tail end of said work intermission, he suddenly started trembling, sweating and shortly thereafter running in the northwest direction while screaming "DIE YOU INSIGNIFICANT SCUM!!!"... I have no clue precisely what it is he saw at this time, but I am not complaining! You see, all the swimsuit models now came to me for some much needed comforting...
Although it was tons of fun, I eventually decided to come back. This is mainly because I knew that you, our dear readers, deserved another trip through time and space. And, as luck would have it, I will be behind the wheel (or, in this case, levers) whilst we blast off towards 1994, a sweet year in which one little known developer that went by the name Epic Megagames joined forces with an equally little known developer Cliff Bleszinski (Cliffy B) and created a game called Jazz Jackrabbit! So, without further ado, lets blast oooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
By all that is holy, my god this machine is fast... did Sadhonker tinker around with the propulsion system before our holiday? Oh well, I'll ask him when he gets here. Anyway, let's set foot in the world of Jazz Jackrabbit, a platformer in which we take control over the titular character on his homeworld Carrotus. The planet is currently under siege by an evil mastermind tortoise that goes by the name of Devan Shell. Now, this antagonist has already conquered many a planet before arriving on Carrotus. The population initially managed to fend off his attacks, which made him very, very mad! You see, Devan does not take defeat very well... (don't you just hate sore losers?) Enraged by his inability to get Carrotus under his control, he decides to kidnap the princess of Carrotus and hide her far, far away in order to weaken the Hares defenses. Carrotus needs a hero that can stand up to Devan and his evil minions, so the king quickly sets Jazz Jackrabbit to the task!
As we take the role of Jazz, we'll have to search for Devan and the princess. To find them, we'll have to survive six thrilling episodes, each of which is made up out of visiting three planets. Now, these are planets that Devan has already conquered, so they can only be labeled as "Hostile" and have no patience for some bright-green-furred, red bandana wearing, blue lightblaster wielding Jackrabbit. Each final planet of an episode is inhabited by a boss enemy which we have to deal with in order to continue our quest and, at last, find and deal with Devan Shell and save our beautiful princess.
As we travel all over the galaxy we find new weapons that make it easier for us to deal with all the new enemies every world has to offer. Apart from these weapons, we also find food, computer hardware components, a "force shield" that protects Jazz from one or four hits, a sidekick in form of a bird that shoots enemies, a hoverboard that allows flight, rapid fire/super jump bonuses, a temporary "speed-up" and invincibility, and, very importantly, extra lives.
The game was a commercial success and it kickstarted the Career of co-creator Cliffy B who would go on to launch several more great games in the future. You'll probably know these small little titles like Unreal (tournament) and Gears of War for example. However, with that, this week's time I have for our travels has come and gone. It is time for me to try and call Sadhonker and see if he found whatever the hell he went after, because If he won't come back yet, I need to find a replacement for him for the next episode, which is coming in two weeks time.
For now, this is your pal Dennis signing off and wishing you all the best. Take care and if you happen to see Sadhonker, please don't feed him, don't pet him... well basically, don't make any kind of contact whatsoever. Just send us a quick email with his coordinates and we'll make sure a highly trained and specialized team will be sent to get him!
Epic Megagames (now Epic Games)