By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on October 29, 2017
Hmmm, you know what? It is really quiet in here without the constant ranting and yelling of our captive Mr. Sadhonker... maybe a little too quiet.... Wait, wait, wait, nooo! Please don't jump to conclusions now! I am not saying I am missing the nitwit! How could I? Every time I need my dose of Sadhonker I just go to my security monitors to see what he is up to. I even mess with him every now and then by sending some good old "friends" his way...
However, being able to observe him as well as I have been able to, lately, I am seeing some cracks in his bad boy, shotgun wielding, machete flinging and badmouthing fašade... and it made me wonder what made him create this fašade in the first place. I mean, something should have triggered this behavior and instead the monster I have compared him to before I think I have finally found something that is more real, more plausible and, dare I say, more human. I think I should investigate more and, being the unrecognized genius I am, of course I have found the perfect way to do so.
So, in the only way I know how to find character traits of people that are hard to understand, I will get behind the wheel of the Big Red Timemachine and use it to take us back to the golden times of gaming. This time, we set our dials to 2003 and crawl into the tall, redheaded skin of the one of the only goatee wearing protagonists; the Postal dude! For those of you who are unaware of the game franchise this dude originates from, it is none other than Postal by studio Running with Scissors. The game we're going to have a look at today is the second game in that series, simply known as Postal 2.
As Postal dude our tasks are pretty mundane, dealing with a nagging wife, getting milk from the grocery store, confessing our sins at the church and other such plain stuff. Yeah I know this doesn't sound all that exhilarating! However, the freedom this game gives you to complete any of those tasks is all encompassing
During the game, you can choose to ignore all the violent temptations that the world throws at you and go your own merry way and do the stuff you are supposed to do. orrrrr, you can do the exactly opposite and decide that no one deserves to draw another breath after they stood in your way. And please believe me when I say that you can get real creative in this respect. In fact, due to the violent creativity you can employ in your daily life as the Postal dude, some countries were quick to ban the game. In some countries, it was even illegal to even own the game. For instance: in New Zealand banned Postal 2 in 2004 due to "High levels of violent content and animal violence" and it should be noted that it is still illegal to be in possession of the game since then. If you do get caught owning it, the punishment is quite severe: up to 10 years in prison and a fine of $50,000. Now, I don't know about you, but I personally think this is a bit steep. Hell, you can get of easier if you robbed a liquor store!
But yes, they were correct in citing animal violence. Because if you choose to play the game in a violent way and plan on using guns a lot, it can come in really useful at times if your weapon doesn't make a loud explosion noise when firing it. Now, according to the devs at Running with Scissors, the best way to prevent that noise is by picking up a cat in shoving it ass first over your barrel and using it as a silencer. This doesn't make your gun fully silent though. However, instead of gun noise, you now hear a loud cat scream every time you decide to pepper your enemies with lead and it should be noted that if you ever want to relieve your bladder you can always decide to let it go all over the ground and whatever you left on that, like a dead body or two.
After you have found yourself able to complete all chores during the week, you arrive at the start of the weekend. Now, you might think that you can just kick up your feet and only have to resist that nagging urge to kill your bitching wife for the next couple of days. But alas, noooo sir! Somehow, faith has decided that this is the perfect day for an Apocalypse, complete with the total breakdown of law and order and all-encompassing societal collapse. Cats begin to fall out of a darkly-colored sky, and almost everyone in town becomes heavily armed overnight, with random gun battles breaking out in the streets.
I think it is best for us to just return to the safety of our trailer park home and ask our wife if she's able to give us a nice backrub and maybe give us a beer or two. Hey wife... what ice cream?! The ice cream you asked me to get on Monday ??? You know what bitch eat lea...
Wait, what, how? Did I just get back to Big red HQ all of a sudden. All right... which smart ass pushed the emergency return button? Come on, it was just starting to be fun! Well, in any case, I think I now know what turned Sadhonker into the man he is today... He is not simply a monster; he has just had some challenges in his life and instead of taking the peaceful way out he has chosen to always take the violent, bloody route... Hmmm. interesting! But that's still only a hypothesis that I will have to test more thoroughly. I think I will present our captive with some challenges during the upcoming weeks but, for now, it is time to say farewell and wish you guys and girls all the best. Until we meet again!
Running with Scissors