By Dennis "CallMeBackdraft" Aspers on August 27, 2020
Welcome back dear readers, to this place that was, until recently, known as the greatest place on earth. As you might notice it is I, CallMeBackdraft, again. Sadly, Sadhonker is still out of commission as his current whereabouts are unknown to both me and our butler Jeeves. Last we saw of him, me and Jeeves where having a talk about how to handle Sadhonker's new... less then stellar mental state and apparently he overheard us and our plans must have scared him or something, because all of a sudden he jumped up and started running like a hare... only much less coordinated. We have several human shaped holes in some of our drywalls and doors now and are still trying to figure out in what language he was screaming. Subsequently, we'll have to find the hell out what he was trying to convey with that gibberish.
Talking about gibberish, ever since Sadhonker had his episode and left us here on our own, the computers in our Big Red HQ also started displaying a weird symbolic language none of us here at the HQ can make any sense of. Even none of our voice commands are responded to in a understandable manner! Luckily, the Timemachine itself can still be controlled in a fully analogue manner and today I am going to use that machine to take us all back to 1994 to visit the world of Super Metroid for the SNES.
In Super Metroid, We don the guise of female space bounty hunter Samus Aran who, in turn, runs around the world in a powered exoskeleton simply called the Power Suit. Our leading lady is wearing the Power Suit for a reason, because it will be the only way to protect us from and make short work of the numerous enemies we will encounter on our way through the strange world we find ourselves in. Samus is tasked with bringing the last Metroid, a predatorial parasitic lifeform known for trying to devour any and all lifeforms it comes into contact with, to the Ceres space colony so it can be studied scientifically. Luckily, the Metroid in our possession is still in its larval state, making it somewhat more safe at least.
Super Metroid is a 2D side scrolling action adventure game developed and published by Nintendo that takes us to several planets, but mostly takes place on planet called Zebes. The world is build up in rooms which, in turn, are connected to each other via doors and elevators. Over the course of the game, Samus will acquire power ups which increase the abilities and powers the exoskeleton has, giving the player the ability to turn into a small ball, called a morph ball, or increase the power of the laser cannon on our arms. And let's be honest here; Can an arm mounted laser cannon actually ever be strong enough? Indeed, that is what I thought! Unequivocally, NO!!!!
Soon after delivering the Metroid larva a distress signal calls us back to the colony, only to learn that the larva has been stolen by Ridley, leader of the Space pirates. We are only just able to escape from the Colony before it self-destructs and we follow Ridley to the planet Zebes where these pirates have set up shop. After battling our way trough the base and taking down an array of boss figures in there, we find our way to the final planet we will visit in this game, Tourian. It is here that we find out that what we thought was the last Metroid, still had a lot of family left. One of these Metroids has grown to a considerable size and tries to kill Samus... quite successfully, I might add. But somehow, at the last minute, this giant Metroid grows a conscience and doesn't yet deliver the killing blow. We quickly find out that this is the actual Metroid we delivered to Ceres, only it has grown to a humongous size and could take us out like Thanos with all infinity gems in possession. I think we shouldn't push our luck here and make our way back home, lets not forget that Metroids usually are ruthless killers.
Ahhh, Home swe... I mean smelly home. Well, I'll just retire to my office and crack open a fine new bottle of Chardonay and have some quality time with the sweet soothing tunes of Mozart. I think I will go with Epistle Sonata No 7, K224 this time. Yes Jeeves, what is it? Ah, you have been able to find and return Sadhonker? Alright lets go try and have a talk with him, see if we can make some sense of all that has been going on in these quarters. Not to mention with himself recently. What do you mean: "he has seen a better days"? I'll be the judge of... HOLY HELL! SADHONKER WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!?!? Alright dear readers, time for you to go and for me to take care of this... I will try to get Sadhonker into shape, so he is able to take you on adventures again in a couple of weeks. For now: Fare thee well.